In this episode of the Secure Love Podcast, Julie works with Drew and Melissa in their final therapy session, focusing on Drew's shame and self-acceptance. The session aims to help Drew accept himself even when his anxieties lead to imperfect behavior. Julie explains that self-acceptance—recognizing one's worth despite mistakes—is crucial for breaking the cycle of shame, which can trigger avoidant behavior and emotional withdrawal from Melissa.

Julie starts by helping Drew see the positive intentions behind his need for order, acknowledging that his perfectionism is not all negative. By celebrating this strength, Julie helps Drew open up to confronting the underlying shame. This work is particularly crucial in breaking the couple's negative cycles and building more secure attachment. When Drew can accept himself, even in moments of imperfection, it allows for better emotional connection and co-regulation between him and Melissa, which is the ultimate goal of their 20-session journey.

The session also explores how both Drew and Melissa can reassure each other during moments of imperfection, emphasizing the importance of self-acceptance for their emotional growth as a couple and their progress toward a more secure, co-regulated relationship.

Melissa and Drew will join us for a live Q&A session on Monday, December 2, at 2 PM Pacific (5 PM Eastern). Don’t miss this opportunity to learn directly from their experience. Tune in next week to hear their reflections and advice!

Register here: The Secure Love Podcast Q&A With Melissa and Drew

As we look forward to Season 2 with Bethany and Brian in January, take a moment to support this podcast by leaving a five-star review on Apple or Spotify. Together, we can spread these tools and help more couples thrive.

Thank you for listening and for joining us on this transformative journey with Melissa and Drew.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• Visit Julie's website The Secure Relationship for all information on upcoming workshops and access to resources.
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

This week on the Secure Love Podcast the focus continues on Melissa’s experience as the anxious partner and her journey toward self-acceptance. The episode explores Melissa’s struggle to believe she can be loved—even with her fears and imperfections. Guided by Julie, Melissa begins to understand that true love, both from herself and from Drew, must include even the most anxious parts of who she is.

Julie delves into the connection between Melissa’s childhood attachment wounds and her past relationship patterns, which have fueled her fears and perfectionism. As Melissa works on self-regulation and self-compassion, she starts to let go of the exhausting pursuit of perfection, moving closer to fully embracing her authentic self.

While Melissa’s personal growth takes center stage, Julie also supports Drew in providing reassurance that speaks to Melissa’s core fears. Together, they learn how to balance emotional self-reliance with mutual support, showing that security in a relationship is built on both individual growth and shared effort.

Through their openness and vulnerability, Melissa and Drew demonstrate the transformative power of self-acceptance and secure attachment, showing that even anxious parts of ourselves can be embraced within a loving partnership.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, host Julie Menanno focuses on Melissa’s anxious attachment style, exploring her emotional regulation challenges and the roots of her people-pleasing tendencies. Julie addresses Melissa’s need to create ideal family experiences, illustrated by her high expectations for a recent Halloween outing. Drew’s contrasting laid-back parenting style sparked conflict, revealing Melissa's struggle when he doesn’t match her enthusiasm.

Julie encourages Melissa to reflect on how her anxiety may contribute to Drew’s disengagement, pushing her to recognize and take ownership of her role in their relationship dynamics. Julie challenges Melissa to develop self-soothing skills, instead of relying solely on Drew for emotional validation, and to create space for Drew’s parenting differences. By encouraging Melissa to manage her expectations and anxieties, Julie aims to help her break negative patterns and foster greater self-confidence and emotional independence.

In this revealing episode of the Secure Love Podcast, host Julie Menanno explores the intricate balance of emotional engagement and self-regulation in relationships through the lens of real-life couple Melissa and Drew. This session represents a significant breakthrough for the couple, as the conflict surrounding their differing emotional responses has been at the center of their negative cycle.

The episode revolves around a recent incident involving their son, who exhibited a behavioral tic during dinner. This situation prompted contrasting reactions: Melissa sought immediate emotional validation and support from Drew, while Drew took a more measured approach, suggesting they observe the situation before reacting. Julie points out many anxious partners, like Melissa's deep need for emotional reassurance sometimes leads to a hyper focus on their own feelings—making the situation feel all about "me, me, me." In doing so, she struggles to recognize Drew’s emotional needs and the potential benefits of temporarily leaning out from emotional reactions.

Through this dialogue, Melissa and Drew learn that navigating their differences requires compromise and empathy. By acknowledging and valuing each other’s approaches to handling emotional situations, they take meaningful steps toward a more balanced relationship dynamic. This breakthrough reinforces the idea that both emotional engagement and the ability to lean out are essential for fostering understanding and connection in their partnership.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, Julie Menanno explores the complex communication patterns between Melissa, the anxious partner, and her husband Drew. Melissa’s deep-rooted anxieties about Drew’s desire to be social resurface, causing her to feel as though he’s choosing connections outside of their family over her and the kids. Julie guides Melissa through understanding how past moments, such as when Drew was emotionally unavailable during difficult times, have shaped her current fears and triggered a recurring negative cycle whenever Drew appears distant or seeks social time apart.

As Melissa unpacks her need for Drew’s reassurance, Julie helps her identify what she truly wants to hear from him to feel secure. Through this process, Melissa realizes that in these moments, she craves Drew’s affirmation that he’s present and committed to their relationship, even when things are hard. Julie emphasizes the importance of clearly communicating these needs, allowing Drew to offer the reassurance that Melissa seeks, rather than sending mixed messages that lead to misunderstanding.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, couples therapist Julie Menanno focuses on Drew, the avoidant partner in his relationship with Melissa, as they continue working through disconnection issues in their marriage. The episode highlights a recurring tension between Drew’s desire to spend time with friends and Melissa’s longing for him to connect with her and their children first. As the primary caretaker, Melissa finds it difficult to step away from her responsibilities and struggles with accepting different parenting styles within the relationship. This tension often leads to frustration and resentment on her part.

Drew, on the other hand, feels guilty for wanting to be social, as he sees no harm in spending time with friends. In this session, Julie shifts the focus to Drew’s experience, helping him tap into the frustration and unexpressed anger he feels in these moments of disconnection. While Melissa often voices her resentment, Drew has rarely named his own anger, struggling to express it because he associates anger with being out of control and saying things he doesn’t mean.

Julie guides Drew to see that his anger in this situation is valid and that there is room for his own healthy anger their marriage. By acknowledging and expressing it constructively, Drew can better address the disconnect between himself and Melissa.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, host Julie Menanno continues working with Melissa and Drew, building on their previous session. The couple reflects on a recent incident during their vacation where Melissa’s bid for connection at dinner went unanswered, triggering a familiar negative cycle and leading to her protest behavior.

This episode focuses on Drew’s perspective. He shares how the disconnect at dinner, combined with Melissa's protest, led him into his own negative cycle of frustration and fear of prolonged disconnection. Drew describes the emotional and physical toll of the situation, referring to a "knot in his stomach" and the overall feeling of "agony" from not being able to articulate himself well in the moment.

Julie helps them navigate these feelings, encouraging Drew to lean into vulnerability and sit with the discomfort. She explains that the knot in his stomach holds wisdom, guiding him on how to move through difficult moments and reconnect with Melissa.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, Julie explores the challenges Melissa and Drew face during their anniversary trip. Despite overall enjoyment, the couple encounters difficulties in connecting, highlighting the complexities of transitioning from daily responsibilities to relaxation. Melissa struggles to unwind and feels disconnected from Drew, who seems more at ease. As listeners, we might consider: How do we handle the shift from our usual routines to moments of leisure with our partners? Do we find ourselves, like Melissa, struggling to relax, or like Drew, easily disconnecting from daily stressors?

The episode delves into the concept of dropped bids for connection, examining how small moments of disconnection can escalate into larger issues. Melissa's attempts to engage Drew are met with resistance, leading to feelings of rejection and ultimately, protest. This pattern raises important questions for reflection: How do we respond to our partner's bids for connection? Are we aware of the signals we're sending when we decline these bids? And when our attempts at connection are unsuccessful, do we, like Melissa, resort to protest as a last resort to be seen and heard? Julie emphasizes that while protest isn't ideal, it often serves as the only effective method for some partners to gain engagement, highlighting the need for clearer communication and more authentic responses in relationships

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime