In PBSE episode 254, Mark & Steve respond to a heart-felt submission by a man who has been married for 45 years and for many of those years, the sexual relationship between he and his wife has been very broken. The reasons are multifaceted and very complex. These include—the horror of emotional and sexual abuse his wife endured during her growing up years; an extremely rigid and shame-based religious culture which they both grew up in and continue to participate in; his periodic use of pornography; his anger and emotional abuse towards his wife; and other factors. He desperately wants to repair the damage he has done and find a way to heal the emotional and physical relationship in his marriage. Mark & Steve not only address the issues that this listener submitted, but the most common issues couples face in connection with healing sexual wounds, creating sexual safety and building a truly healthy sexual relationship.

This PBSE listener and his partner's situation is very complicated, with a lot of moving parts:

• Her past abuse/betrayal
• Trauma and betrayal within the relationship
• Rigid religious background
  • Shame surrounding sex; lack of open communication
  • Misinformation surrounding sex
  • Sexual secrecy

Although this situation does have some unique elements, it brings up a lot of common struggles for couples, both in and out of recovery:

• The changing physical dynamics of sexual expression/reciprocation in an ongoing, long-term committed relationship
• The constantly evolving state of a relationship as a whole
• The need for ongoing, vulnerable discussion in a coupleship regarding the various elements to intimacy, including the physical
• We all have existing “sexual paradigms”—what sex or different sexual acts mean; how critical it is; how it impacts the rest of the relationship, etc. Are willing to step back to openly assess where these paradigms come from; challenge them; be flexible; etc?

Really exploring a coupleship’s sexuality means backing up from preconceived “norms” around sex acts and forms of physical expression:

• As a coupleship, you have the right/obligation to determine how and what you would like your physical and sexual relationship to look like, as well as what it means and represents.
• Mark gives the real-life example of an acquaintance whose wife had a stroke and was permanently paralyzed from the chest down—after tenderly caring for her for a decade, he said it was the most intimate, loving and connected 10 years of their marriage.
• YOU are the sole architects of your own relationship—you get to collaboratively build it into what YOU want!

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "Sex in Our Marriage has Always Been "Broken." How do we Repair and Heal it?"

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

With Episode 253, we just crossed the “One Million Downloads” threshold! And we’re in 204 Countries/Territories worldwide! Thank you to all of our PBSE listeners across the planet! None of this is possible without YOU!

In this episode, we address a betrayed partner's questions about the role of pornography in a relationship. Here's what she submitted—

Hello, I know you talk about how porn isn’t healthy or true intimacy, but what happens when your partner says they use porn to better learn how to please their partner? I ask because I’m a part of a couple of support groups, and there are a good number of women who share that this is the approach of their porn-addicted partners. I know it’s an excuse, which if anything is an understatement. Is it to possibly do a podcast specifically on this? We all know porn is NOT how to learn how to please your partner, and ultimately it’s a cop out to continue in addiction. In other words, their porn brain justifies it. I do want to note thankfully this isn’t my husband’s mindset, and have to thank both of you for the podcasts you post. My husband has shared it has helped him not feel alone, or attacked, and has helped him stay in active recovery.

Over the last couple of decades, we have run into this rationale too often! Where does this come from?

• Our heavily “sexualized culture” is a “grand set-up” from our earliest youth!
• Sadly, too many of our teens look to porn as their primary “sex education”
• Teens and young adults feel “pressured” to “be in the know”
• There is the whole “addiction pandemic” at younger & younger ages—and then all of the “defense mechanisms” to protect that addiction

What role do you want “sex” to play in your relationship???

• What is “holistic intimacy”?
• How does “porn” get in the way of that “intimacy” and healthy sexual intimacy as a part of that “whole”?—
  • Because this is all being “dictated” to you, you nearly completely miss the whole communication, exploration, and collaboration experience!!! In essence, it is NOT “sex your way,” it’s “sex their way”—from an “intention” that is entirely manipulative, usury and ENSLAVING!
  • Porn as a “source” of so-called information and instruction is a WHOLLY distorted, fake, inaccurate, filled with lies & manipulation and BASED ON THE DEEPEST FORMS OF HUMAN EXPLOITATION & ABUSE KNOWN TO MANKIND!
  • In other words, not only is it poisonous, it isn’t even accurate or “educational”! And has NOTHING to do with “true intimacy.”

Porn has the potential to impact your capacity for feeling happiness in general!

• A brief discussion about the hedonic set points & the rewiring of the Dopamine System:
  • Recurrent, compulsive exposure to selective, isolated elements can begin to manipulate and change the way you feel pleasure, and how much of it you are able to feel
  • On a chemical level, it can become more difficult to experience pleasure, more difficult to overcome sadness, etc.
  • Radically alters the focus of the coupleship, and imbalances the priorities that introduces instability, emotionally and otherwise.

Take back ALL sexual aspects of your relationship! Do NOT allow it to be highjacked & manipulated by outside sources. Make it what the two of you want it to be; a healthy, connecting part of your overall WHOLE relationship intimacy!

For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to: "I Use Porn to Learn How to Please my Partner. That's Healthy . . . Right?"

In Episode 252, we talk about how our “Culture of Empowerment” at D2C came about; our PASSION for PARTNERS finding their EMPOWERMENT . . . (and addicts of course, but this episode is about partners)

The seeming BLARING CONTRADICTION of a betrayed partner “owning her side of the street”!—

• Betrayed partners find themselves in a variety of situations—
  • The addict partner is not engaged in recovery at all
  • The addict partner is kind of half-in-half out
  • The addict partner is working it hard and consistent, but the betrayed partner feels like she’s “lagging behind” (which is a “misnomer,” VERY common and a natural, normal part of healing and increasing safety
• What does it mean to “LIVE IN EMPOWERMENT”?
  • First, what does it NOT mean? It in NO way means that:
    • The addict’s behaviors are in ANY way the fault of the betrayed partner—she did not cause this; she does not deserve it; she is NOT responsible to “fix it” and indeed CANNOT
    • ALL of the betrayed partner’s feelings are LEGITIMATE and MUST be heard, acknowledged, validated and addressed.
    • The addict partner absolutely MUST face, own and actively pursue HIS SIDE OF THE STREET.
  • What IS empowerment for a Betrayed Partner—
    • Here is the definition we use in the “D2C Culture of Empowerment”—Here at D2C, our goal is to help you claim your right & power to create and collaborate in your own change, growth & serenity—to EMPOWER YOU!
    • What are the essential elements for a Betrayed Partner to move into and consistently live in a place of empowerment?
      • Have a healthy, safe, supportive space to express your FULL feelings WHATEVER they may be and WHY you are feeling them (“What is under this?”) NOTE: this support, at least for a good while, is nearly NEVER your addict partner!) Examples include—Support Group; Therapist; trusted/safe family member/friend; Dare to Connect . . .
      • Response–ability & Account–abitilty: we cannot change what we cannot own. Recognizing “my next right thing” in ANY situation is critical to staying in a place of empowerment. Refusing to be pigeon-holed into a victim role means recognizing my options, whatever they may be, in ANY situation. There are ALWAYS choices, even if those choices are uncomfortable.
      • Become VERY clear and specific about your Authentic Wants & Needs in your individual life and in the relationship. Learn the skills to express these in a healthy way.
      • Surround your wants and needs with clear, specific BOUNDARIES and couple these with VERY clear, specific outcomes/consequences—NOT to control his side of the street, but to keep your authentic self, wants and needs protected.
      • KEY—a betrayed partner living in empowerment does NOT in ANY way release the addict from ANY level of responsibility and accountability—in fact, it actually places those things MORE on his shoulders and STRICTLY on his side of the street.
      • Also—what an addict chooses to do or not do, does NOT control whether or not the betrayed partner can or will live an EMPOWERED LIFE. What it DOES directly impact is whether or not the couple can COLLABORATE, be a team, have each other’s backs and BE COMPATIBLE.

For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to: "As a Betrayed Partner, How do I Live "Empowered" Regardless of what my Addict Partner Does or Does Not Do?"

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services