In PBSE episode 254, Mark & Steve respond to a heart-felt submission by a man who has been married for 45 years and for many of those years, the sexual relationship between he and his wife has been very broken. The reasons are multifaceted and very complex. These include—the horror of emotional and sexual abuse his wife endured during her growing up years; an extremely rigid and shame-based religious culture which they both grew up in and continue to participate in; his periodic use of pornography; his anger and emotional abuse towards his wife; and other factors. He desperately wants to repair the damage he has done and find a way to heal the emotional and physical relationship in his marriage. Mark & Steve not only address the issues that this listener submitted, but the most common issues couples face in connection with healing sexual wounds, creating sexual safety and building a truly healthy sexual relationship.

This PBSE listener and his partner's situation is very complicated, with a lot of moving parts:

• Her past abuse/betrayal
• Trauma and betrayal within the relationship
• Rigid religious background
  • Shame surrounding sex; lack of open communication
  • Misinformation surrounding sex
  • Sexual secrecy

Although this situation does have some unique elements, it brings up a lot of common struggles for couples, both in and out of recovery:

• The changing physical dynamics of sexual expression/reciprocation in an ongoing, long-term committed relationship
• The constantly evolving state of a relationship as a whole
• The need for ongoing, vulnerable discussion in a coupleship regarding the various elements to intimacy, including the physical
• We all have existing “sexual paradigms”—what sex or different sexual acts mean; how critical it is; how it impacts the rest of the relationship, etc. Are willing to step back to openly assess where these paradigms come from; challenge them; be flexible; etc?

Really exploring a coupleship’s sexuality means backing up from preconceived “norms” around sex acts and forms of physical expression:

• As a coupleship, you have the right/obligation to determine how and what you would like your physical and sexual relationship to look like, as well as what it means and represents.
• Mark gives the real-life example of an acquaintance whose wife had a stroke and was permanently paralyzed from the chest down—after tenderly caring for her for a decade, he said it was the most intimate, loving and connected 10 years of their marriage.
• YOU are the sole architects of your own relationship—you get to collaboratively build it into what YOU want!

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "Sex in Our Marriage has Always Been "Broken." How do we Repair and Heal it?"

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

With Episode 253, we just crossed the “One Million Downloads” threshold! And we’re in 204 Countries/Territories worldwide! Thank you to all of our PBSE listeners across the planet! None of this is possible without YOU!

In this episode, we address a betrayed partner's questions about the role of pornography in a relationship. Here's what she submitted—

Hello, I know you talk about how porn isn’t healthy or true intimacy, but what happens when your partner says they use porn to better learn how to please their partner? I ask because I’m a part of a couple of support groups, and there are a good number of women who share that this is the approach of their porn-addicted partners. I know it’s an excuse, which if anything is an understatement. Is it to possibly do a podcast specifically on this? We all know porn is NOT how to learn how to please your partner, and ultimately it’s a cop out to continue in addiction. In other words, their porn brain justifies it. I do want to note thankfully this isn’t my husband’s mindset, and have to thank both of you for the podcasts you post. My husband has shared it has helped him not feel alone, or attacked, and has helped him stay in active recovery.

Over the last couple of decades, we have run into this rationale too often! Where does this come from?

• Our heavily “sexualized culture” is a “grand set-up” from our earliest youth!
• Sadly, too many of our teens look to porn as their primary “sex education”
• Teens and young adults feel “pressured” to “be in the know”
• There is the whole “addiction pandemic” at younger & younger ages—and then all of the “defense mechanisms” to protect that addiction

What role do you want “sex” to play in your relationship???

• What is “holistic intimacy”?
• How does “porn” get in the way of that “intimacy” and healthy sexual intimacy as a part of that “whole”?—
  • Because this is all being “dictated” to you, you nearly completely miss the whole communication, exploration, and collaboration experience!!! In essence, it is NOT “sex your way,” it’s “sex their way”—from an “intention” that is entirely manipulative, usury and ENSLAVING!
  • Porn as a “source” of so-called information and instruction is a WHOLLY distorted, fake, inaccurate, filled with lies & manipulation and BASED ON THE DEEPEST FORMS OF HUMAN EXPLOITATION & ABUSE KNOWN TO MANKIND!
  • In other words, not only is it poisonous, it isn’t even accurate or “educational”! And has NOTHING to do with “true intimacy.”

Porn has the potential to impact your capacity for feeling happiness in general!

• A brief discussion about the hedonic set points & the rewiring of the Dopamine System:
  • Recurrent, compulsive exposure to selective, isolated elements can begin to manipulate and change the way you feel pleasure, and how much of it you are able to feel
  • On a chemical level, it can become more difficult to experience pleasure, more difficult to overcome sadness, etc.
  • Radically alters the focus of the coupleship, and imbalances the priorities that introduces instability, emotionally and otherwise.

Take back ALL sexual aspects of your relationship! Do NOT allow it to be highjacked & manipulated by outside sources. Make it what the two of you want it to be; a healthy, connecting part of your overall WHOLE relationship intimacy!

For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to: "I Use Porn to Learn How to Please my Partner. That's Healthy . . . Right?"

In Episode 252, we talk about how our “Culture of Empowerment” at D2C came about; our PASSION for PARTNERS finding their EMPOWERMENT . . . (and addicts of course, but this episode is about partners)

The seeming BLARING CONTRADICTION of a betrayed partner “owning her side of the street”!—

• Betrayed partners find themselves in a variety of situations—
  • The addict partner is not engaged in recovery at all
  • The addict partner is kind of half-in-half out
  • The addict partner is working it hard and consistent, but the betrayed partner feels like she’s “lagging behind” (which is a “misnomer,” VERY common and a natural, normal part of healing and increasing safety
• What does it mean to “LIVE IN EMPOWERMENT”?
  • First, what does it NOT mean? It in NO way means that:
    • The addict’s behaviors are in ANY way the fault of the betrayed partner—she did not cause this; she does not deserve it; she is NOT responsible to “fix it” and indeed CANNOT
    • ALL of the betrayed partner’s feelings are LEGITIMATE and MUST be heard, acknowledged, validated and addressed.
    • The addict partner absolutely MUST face, own and actively pursue HIS SIDE OF THE STREET.
  • What IS empowerment for a Betrayed Partner—
    • Here is the definition we use in the “D2C Culture of Empowerment”—Here at D2C, our goal is to help you claim your right & power to create and collaborate in your own change, growth & serenity—to EMPOWER YOU!
    • What are the essential elements for a Betrayed Partner to move into and consistently live in a place of empowerment?
      • Have a healthy, safe, supportive space to express your FULL feelings WHATEVER they may be and WHY you are feeling them (“What is under this?”) NOTE: this support, at least for a good while, is nearly NEVER your addict partner!) Examples include—Support Group; Therapist; trusted/safe family member/friend; Dare to Connect . . .
      • Response–ability & Account–abitilty: we cannot change what we cannot own. Recognizing “my next right thing” in ANY situation is critical to staying in a place of empowerment. Refusing to be pigeon-holed into a victim role means recognizing my options, whatever they may be, in ANY situation. There are ALWAYS choices, even if those choices are uncomfortable.
      • Become VERY clear and specific about your Authentic Wants & Needs in your individual life and in the relationship. Learn the skills to express these in a healthy way.
      • Surround your wants and needs with clear, specific BOUNDARIES and couple these with VERY clear, specific outcomes/consequences—NOT to control his side of the street, but to keep your authentic self, wants and needs protected.
      • KEY—a betrayed partner living in empowerment does NOT in ANY way release the addict from ANY level of responsibility and accountability—in fact, it actually places those things MORE on his shoulders and STRICTLY on his side of the street.
      • Also—what an addict chooses to do or not do, does NOT control whether or not the betrayed partner can or will live an EMPOWERED LIFE. What it DOES directly impact is whether or not the couple can COLLABORATE, be a team, have each other’s backs and BE COMPATIBLE.

For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to: "As a Betrayed Partner, How do I Live "Empowered" Regardless of what my Addict Partner Does or Does Not Do?"

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 251, Mark & Steve respond to a submission by a betrayed partner who is a regular PBSE listener. She describes a long-term, ongoing situation with her partner who struggles with porn use. In the beginning of their relationship, they both agreed that his porn use would not be considered, "cheating." But then a number of years into their relationship, she happened across an online account of his and actually witnessed first-hand the porn he was viewing. It was so shocking to her that she approached him to let him know that she DOES consider his porn viewing cheating. He was surprisingly agreeable and cooperative. He got into recovery, did well for awhile, and then the whole cycle started again—her discovering his use; him lying, denying and gaslighting; then finally coming clean and getting back into recovery.

Then, he began "debating" whether or not he has an actual "porn addiction" and insists that in order for him to continue in recovery he MUST have a professional give him an absolute "diagnosis" of addiction or it really isn't a problem. Here's what she submitted about this—

I am so angry. Can’t he see that if he is unable to prevent himself from watching porn AT WORK that this is a problem??? His “slips” happen every few months or so, and I think this is why he believes that it’s not an addiction…. So my big question…. At what point do you consider porn use to be an addiction? To me it seems like it’s neither here nor there as it’s a behavior he has been unable to discontinue, no matter how infrequently it happens. I believe he needs support and tools to help navigate this habit, but it seems as though he believes not having a “diagnosis” means he doesn’t have a problem…

In this episode, Mark & Steve get raw and real about how porn addiction is a topic that often elicits confusion and doubt, especially when someone isn’t formally diagnosed as an addict. They explore the nuances of defining addiction, the impact of pornography on relationships, and the importance of recognizing unhealthy behaviors—whether they fit into a diagnostic label or not. They dive into the complexity of dealing with a partner’s pornography use, and why waiting for a “diagnosis” is not the best approach for recovery or healing. Mark & Steve address crucial issues for the porn-using-partner; for the betrayed partner; and for the coupleship.

For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to: "Unless my Partner is “Diagnosed” as an “Addict,” his Porn Use is NOT a Problem . . . Right?"

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

This is PBSE's 250th Episode! Our deepest gratitude goes out to our global audience of listeners!!! YOU all make this possible! THANK YOU!

After reviewing the last several months of PBSE Episodes, we have tackled a LOT of HEAVY topics! For this 250th episode, we want to focus on all of the hopeful, optimistic, positive reasons WHY we all do the CRAZY hard work of betrayal trauma healing and addiction recovery. To illustrate just how "worth it" this can all be, here's a comment that one our of our Dare to Connect clients just submitted to us—

When I first started with D2C I had a year and half of sobriety from porn and masturbation addiction. My wife and I were still struggling with communication because of her trauma response and my lack of shame resilience. D2C sessions have helped us identify these issues which has helped us to start the true healing and recovery process. We are communicating and now collaborating with each other like we never have before. We are still learning new things a year in and plan to continue with D2C for a while longer. Thank you Mark and Steve for all the effort you put into your work.

You will notice in the title the words in all caps—”COLLABORATING in the HARD”

The greatest CONNECTION, INTIMACY & RELATIONSHIP RESILIENCY come from coming together as a “collaborative team” to face the STRUGGLES!

Our experiences in our own relationships as well as what we have witnessed working with couples for more than 20 years—

• Hard challenges and struggles can tear us apart OR unite us—
  • How does the hard disconnect couples?
    • Turning away instead of turning toward: fear, shame & pain leading to going it alone; trying to CONTROL outcomes
    • Without proper boundaries, the desire to emotionally caretake one another can blur the lines of accountability and diminish collaboration
    • One or both partners engaging in avoidance cycles can establish a pattern of seeking peace at the cost of growth
• How can the hard unite couples—
  • Acknowledging challenges, as well as their accompanying fears, hesitations, insecurities, and vulnerabilities sets the stage for truly intimate dialogue.
  • Steve and Brittany: we may not last through Christmas…
  • Mark & Ladawn: I don’t want to hurt her anymore; I’ll take care of this on my own; let’s not rock the boat on what are at least somewhat stable waters in how she sees me, where we are as a couple, why make this harder than it needs to be . . .

Owning and “being real” about the obstacles ahead puts us in the driver’s seat as a coupleship: Once we know where we are really starting, we can begin to truly prepare for and actually set out on the required journey.

Developing coupleship “skills” in the HARD means REAL SKILLS! We are “welded” together–an atomic bomb can’t break us apart! I’ve got you; you’ve got me; we’ve got US!

We actually get to decide for the first time if we want to CHOOSE “all” of each other—and KEEP choosing each other.

For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to: "COLLABORATING as a Couple in the HARD Struggle of Recovery & Healing"

In Episode 249, Mark & Steve respond in detail to a situation and quesiton submitted by the betrayed spouse of porn/sex addict. Here are her words—

My husband is very closed off with me. He doesn't tell me important things about his life, family, or what really happens in his 12-Step recovery meetings. It's like I have to know the answer and ask specific questions to get him to talk to me with any sort of detail. I know he used to do this to hide his pornography use and affairs. But even simple things, like going to a restaurant he kept hidden. Is this just a part of his personality? He's sober from porn now, but he still doesn't talk to me. It's like I only exist to him when he is at home. He was recently in a car accident and didn't tell me until he came home from the hospital. Is there any hope he will treat me like a true friend and partner, or has compartmentalization become so ingrained in him, this is just how it is?

The song “Say Something” by “A Great Big World”—Say something, I'm giving up on you; I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you; Anywhere I would've followed you; Say something, I'm giving up on you.

• Why can addicts be “closed off” to their partners?
  • It can be “personality/style” from childhood
  • It can be “learned” due to environment, trauma, etc.
  • It can be a BIG part of the addiction cycle/system; shame cycle; fear cycle; etc.
  • These are possible explanations, NOT se
• How does this impact betrayed partners?
  • While partners suffer horrible fallout from betrayal trauma, PTSD, etc., nearly all DO desperately want to connect & collaborate
  • Silence, surface/shallow conversation, “compartmentalization” (as she calls it), hiding, lying, gaslighting, etc., “pile on” and create “Complex Trauma”
• What is the Addict Partner’s Response-ability in this situation?
  • Pride, ego, shame, fear, discomfort, life-long habits, lack of skills, etc. will too easily keep the addict from making the REAL commitment to change.
  • This is ALL about his individual preparation and “what he brings with him” to the coupleship interaction—
    • PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!—Journaling, opening up to his outside support system, simple daily human interactions, conversations with his Higher Power
    • Making deposits to the Relationship Trust Account is SUPER important–and keeping her actively “informed” about your recovery progress, recovery insights, deep thoughts, feelings, etc.
    • Start with “structure” and “expectations”—Daily Couples Check-in; weekly Partnership Meeting; may need to start with written communication or adhere to a “script”--(which may be hard for the partner!)
    • This is NOT easy, but the addict gets to decide IF he will do the consistent WORK to progressively develop and practice the skills—NO MORE EXCUSES!
• What is the betrayed partner’s “side of the street” in this situation?
  • She has AUTHENTIC wants and needs in this relationship!
    • She needs to take time to clearly identify and write down what these are, including her vision of how she desires this relationship to progress.
    • She needs to create boundaries of safety around her wants and needs along with outcomes/consequences
    • It is VERY important that she CLEARLY communicates her deep feelings—like the song we started with . . .
• Will we ever become true friends and partners???
  • What does it mean to “be true friends & partners"?
  • What is INTIMACY?
  • What is CONNECTION?
  • ARE WE COMPATIBLE???

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: pbsepodcast.com

In episode 248, Mark & Steve tackle an extremely intense and heart-breaking submission by a betrayed partner. Here's what she submitted—

I have listened to many of your podcast episodes. An area I wish you would do an episode on is how is a spouse to handle it when your porn addicted/SA husband comes home and discloses (not the first time in our marriage) that he has been acting out for several years and contracted an STD. How am I supposed to forgive and get past that? I can’t see ever having an intimate relationship with him. However, we have built a great life (other than his sexual addiction) over our 20+ year marriage. He shows remorse, is in therapy as am I. We have not had a Formal Therapeutic Disclosure yet but it’s coming. There are a lot of aspects I’m struggling with but would love an episode on navigating an incurable STD. Sincerely, Heartbroken Spouse.

Our hearts go out to this betrayed partner! In too many ways, the consequences and fallout are not only devastating upon disclosure, but also create an ongoing traumatic nightmare!

• There are serious, long-term and permanent medical implications at play with this example which we are not going to tackle here.
  • IT IS CRITICAL that this couple, if they haven’t already, seek immediate medical testing and treatment, as well as education regarding the issues at play and their long-term implications.
• What this is like for betrayed partners?
  • The compounding effects of ”Complex Trauma”—trickled disclosure, “bomb dropping”
  • A “painful paradox”—facing the devastation & realities of disclosure and PAST/ONGOING trauma while at the same time—”We have built a great life over our 20+ years of marriage”
  • What is authentic for her going forward—her wants and her needs; what is she willing to do and not do; VERY SPECIFIC BOUNDARIES around this!
• What is this like for the porn/sex addict?
  • WHEN the addict is ALL in and doing the WORK, the CONSEQUENCES & OUTCOMES of his past choices do NOT magically go away! In some ways, this process actually INTENSIFIES!
  • How does he PROACTIVELY meet his betrayed partner’s authentic wants & needs; provide as much safety as is possible; be TRANSPARENT about his work; his learning; his progress; PROACTIVE PLANS he puts together and presents–LEAD OUT!
  • What is he willing or not willing to “sacrifice” for this to work going forward?
• When these two worlds COLLIDE—Addiction & Ongoing Trauma—how can a Couple navigate this?!
  • Be mindful of the tendency to reactively make BIG decisions in the midst of intense emotion BEFORE the recovery & healing processes have had a truly fair chance to unfold, progress and bring about positive change.
  • Create as safe a space as possible for OPEN, AUTHENTIC EXPRESSION & DIALOGUE—NOT avoiding, minimizing, care-taking, shutting down, etc., to escape sitting in and talking about the HARD
  • Although CRAZY HARD in the midst of addiction & betrayal, TEMPORARILY pushing a “pause” button and “sitting in a state of grace” while the small, progressive steps in the process unfold.
  • Then, having done “all” you feel you can, coming together to ask, “Are we compatible”? Can we “get” to compatibility? HOW?
  • This will, due to the ongoing nature of the issues, NEED TO BE AN ONGOING DISCUSSION, with appropriate medical and mental health professionals involved.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/how-does-a-betrayed-partner-navigate-the-news-that-their-sex-addict-partner-has-contracted-an-incura

In this episode, number 247, Mark & Steve discuss a situation and questions submitted by the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict. She does a great job presenting a balanced description of their situation, while also being very direct, vulnerable and authentic. Her addict partner has struggled with porn addiction nearly his whole life and when all the "trickle truths" started coming out, it nearly finished off their marriage. But, they both got into therapy and did a lot of hard work individually and as a couple for over a year. She describes their marriage as "feeling a lot safer and stronger."

At the same time, there are still some significant struggles. Here's how she describes it—

The issue that continues to arise for me, is that my husband seems to “need” sex every 4 days, or he will feel that he is too distracted by women and his sexual desires which impacts his recovery. This also impacts my ability to feel that I am in full control of my own body as well as feeling wanted and chosen, as opposed to just being the object of a selfish need. I understand that men are biologically more inclined to feel sexual desire more often, but is he limiting himself in his healing journey by assuming that this need is normal and biological (his words). He does have some sort of goal to increase the amount of days by using self discipline, but it seems that he believes it’s a biological need for men and specifically for himself because he feels too much physical and mental discomfort when he pushes it off. He has not masturbated in around 8-10 months (other than 1-2 slips, and a recent relapse) but we have created a plan where he has the option of masturbating after 7 days of no sex if he feels he “needs” it. My question is—does this sound like something that is limiting the recovery process or is each person an individual case and this plan can be something that is helpful for him and helpful for me to feel full control of my own body, while he does his own recovery work?

Mark & Steve directly address this couple's situation and this betrayed partner's questions. They discuss the critical importance of the addict taking charge of the healthy wiring and management of his brain's "pleasure/reward system" and how this impacts his recovery. They address the "need" for sex vs. a healthy balance in a WHOLE relationship. They speak raw and real about "his side of the street" and what he is response-able and account-able for in this situation.

They also speak directly to what this betrayed partner needs for her own "body sovereignty" and for a path of true healing. In addition, they speak to what is needed to make consistent deposits to the relationship trust account and what true "holistic intimacy" looks like vs. a narrow focus on physical sex. Also discussed are healthy sexual boundaries and what it means for an addict in recovery to evolve, mature and transform.


For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-porn-addicted-partner-has-adhd-he-insists-i-must-manage-his-recovery-for-him-to-succeed-is-this

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services