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Early relationships (often with our parents) has a very powerful impact on the blueprint of partner choice. They are unconsciously looked at as being able to repair those childhood wounds. We often seek a blueprint that “fits” ours.

When we meet a potential partner, we have an opportunity to re-Attach to a loved person, just like (or better than) the Attachment bonding we had with our parents when we were young. A 'someone' we feel safe with and gives us other familiar feelings which usually make us feel comfortable and have a sense of belonging.

We tend to idealise our partners initially. In time, we get very disappointed when they do not live up to our expectations. We feel very let down.

Both, may have had Attachment issues from childhood and have separation anxiety, but they may have different coping styles. At some point, when repeated conflict arises, questions and doubt also surface like:“This is not the person I thought I had married.”

After the shock, comes denial. The disappointment is so great that you don’t allow yourself to see the truth. You do your best to see your partner’s negative traits in a positive light. Eventually, however, the denial can no longer be sustained. You feel betrayed.

We fall in love with 'sameness' and 'differenceness'. This is why we find “opposites attract”. We are unconsciously searching for and eventually think that we have found 'the one'; our 'other half/better half!'.

It should be remembered that all couple fits, serve an emotional and psychological purpose. They are there to provide comfort, a sense of security and wholeness. We are not always aware of our fit until it is challenged or disrupted. Do any of these seem familiar in your relationship?:

Babes in the Wood: Cling together in the face of the odds. Unconscious rejection; repressed anger within the relationship; expressed anger at people outside the relationship. They often look the same and will behave in a likeable, affable manner. A couple such as this see all the bad things in the world as belonging in the outside world and not part of themselves. They keep anything bad out of their relationship. The world literally is a “big bad wolf”.

Net and Sword: The ‘net’ shows all the love & tries to encompass, control or placate the sword. Conscious rejection; deny need or yearning for other. Relationship works well until one partner owns up to their denied feelings & decides they will not be responsible for the others unexpressed feelings. One partner shows all the love and the other, all the rejection. One person expresses all the denied emotions that the other cannot or will not express. This relationship works well until one partner owns up to their denied feelings and decides they will not be responsible for the others unexpressed feelings, often plunging the other into confusion or profound feelings of loss.

Cat and Dog: Characterised by anger, rejection and other destructive emotions. Both are only conscious of the bad in each other, but often will not part because they fear they cannot or will not be able to find a relationship with anybody better. This relationship is characterised by anger, rejection and a host of other destructive emotions. Both are only conscious of the bad in each other and their lives seem like a war zone. Intimacy is regulated by conflict and they often will not part because they fear they cannot or will not be able to find a relationship with anybody better. (I call this one "Tom & Jerry" - characterised by a never-ending chase and never catching the other)

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At the beginning of the couples therapy session, I like to ask a first question - 'How did you guys meet?' Telling the story will reveal the greater truth about where the couple are at in the conflict. Has the loving got snuffed out or is there a glimmer of light that may still be turned up.

Is there a split agenda? Are there ulterior motives for one or both turning up for counselling? Has the conflict become entrenched and each dug in for a war of attrition?

We can teach our brains to say the right think, that we are expected to say, but often that is not the full truth! Just like the reply to the question - 'How are you doing?' - evokes a knee jerk automatic answer - 'I am fine thank you'.

Body language will give a more truthful answer as to where the couple are at and more accurately represent what is really going on in the heart.

Telling the story of 'how did you meet' - will give a helpful calibration of where the couple are at and the nature of the work to follow, because of the toll the conflict has taken, before they sought help. As human beings, we tend to push it too far before reaching out for the help that we knew that we needed long ago.

At The Kairos Centre, we use less 'Talk Therapy' and more sculpting with representative visual objects, to get to what the heart is really saying. It really is 'a heart thing'. The heart tends to tell the truth, if you can get to it.

We get to it at The Kairos Centre. Then we know how to move forward with the work of counselling - with truth as the focus - not unconscious half-truths!

Journey with us to reclaim your life, bring colour to life, without shame.

Here is my fund raising page. Help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The world's first Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme.

Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners)

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Episode Keywords: Sex Addiction | Porn Addiction | Love Addiction | Porn Causes | Recover from Addiction | Self-Soothing Behaviors | Childhood Trauma | Inner Child work | Childhood Development and Addiction bullying | Porn Addiction Recovery | Abuse | Sexual Abuse | Sex Addiction Recovery | Domestic Violence | Family Conflict | Overcoming Porn addiction | Porn Addiction Side effects | Porn Addiction Symptoms | Emotional Neglect | Quit Porn Addiction | Peer Pressure | Performance Pressure | Separation | Divorce | Fear | Anxiety | Stress | Mental Health and Addiction | Dissociation | Anger | Husband has porn | Recovery Program | 12 Steps Program | EMDR | Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing | Compulsive Behavior | Trauma Healing | Neuroplasticity | Online Therapy | The Kairos Centre | Neuroscience of Addiction | Porn Addiction Help | Sex Addiction Recovery Program | Authentic Self Discovery | Compulsive Behaviors | Intimacy Issues | Sexual Dysfunction | Obsessive Thoughts | Fantasy Escape | Codependency | Shame in Addiction | Guilt in Addiction | Addiction in Relationship | Infidelity | Therapy for Addiction | Objectification | Hypersexualization | Pornography Industry | Attachment Styles | Sexual Compulsivity | Behavioral Therapy | Relapse Prevention | Emotional Regulation | Self-Discovery | Healing Journeys | Personal Growth | Intimacy Building | Healthy Relationships | Empowermen

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Client, choose your Therapist carefully. It makes a big difference to outcomes.

In 2024 the British Association for Counsellors and Psychotherapy (BACP) released an Ethical framework for working with Addictions and also a set of 'Addictions competence framework' for counsellors working with or intending to work with Compulsions and Addictions. I guess it did so for a reason.

Compulsions and Addictions Therapy is a specialised area of work. There is a need to ensure Counsellors and Therapists achieve minimal standards for working with such clients.

These are some of the Foundational competences:

• Knowledge competences - knowledge and understanding of addictions
• Knowledge of the range of addictions services and treatment options available
• knowledge and understanding of recovery in addictions counselling
• Knowledge of engagement issues specific to addictions counselling
• Knowledge and understanding of the impact of co-occurring mental and physical health issues and addiction problems
• Meta-competences: "Meta-competences encompass aspects of abstract clinical judgment required to decide when to implement different elements of the addictions counselling competence framework, and how and apply them in a coherent and informed manner."

Ethical Framework: "....The framework sets out the knowledge, skills and abilities required for counsellors and psychotherapists to work safely and effectively with adults living with addiction.….."

Therapists - 'at least do no harm'.

The Kairos Centre has all the Competences to come alongside you on your journey to reclaiming your life, bring colour to life, without shame.

Here is my fund raising page. Help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The world's first Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme.

Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners)

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Episode Keywords: Sex Addiction | Porn Addiction | Love Addiction | Porn Causes | Recover from Addiction | Self-Soothing Behaviors | Childhood Trauma | Inner Child work | Childhood Development and Addiction bullying | Porn Addiction Recovery | Abuse | Sexual Abuse | Sex Addiction Recovery | Domestic Violence | Family Conflict | Overcoming Porn addiction | Porn Addiction Side effects | Porn Addiction Symptoms | Emotional Neglect | Quit Porn Addiction | Peer Pressure | Performance Pressure | Separation | Divorce | Fear | Anxiety | Stress | Mental Health and Addiction | Dissociation | Anger | Husband has porn | Recovery Program | 12 Steps Program | EMDR | Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing | Compulsive Behavior | Trauma Healing | Neuroplasticity | Online Therapy | The Kairos Centre | Neuroscience of Addiction | Porn Addiction Help | Sex Addiction Recovery Program | Authentic Self Discovery | Compulsive Behaviors | Intimacy Issues | Sexual Dysfunction | Obsessive Thoughts | Fantasy Escape | Codependency | Shame in Addiction | Guilt in Addiction | Addiction in Relationship | Infidelity | Therapy for Addiction | Objectification | Hypersexualization | Pornography Industry | Attachment Styles | Sexual Compulsivity | Behavioral Therapy | Relapse Prevention | Emotional Regulation | Self-Discovery | Healing Journeys | Personal Growth | Intimacy Building | Healthy Relationships | Empowerment | obsessive Thoughts | Minfulness | S